I heard we made out
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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