I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
