We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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