If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Boobs are out for the taking
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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