Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
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Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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