eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
