I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
third nipple confirmed
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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