could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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