I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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