Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
