I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
