ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
