don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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