I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
