every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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