I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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