My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
