You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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