Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
