I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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