sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
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Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
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i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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