I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
