I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
