Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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