Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
