I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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