someone owes me an orgasm
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
