a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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