yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
