i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
