Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
