What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
