i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
