Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
