I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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