I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
