im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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