I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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