Who did Billy Mays play for?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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