Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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