remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
