wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
