you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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