mondays should just be called national damage control day
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
