Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
