I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
