He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
