I think I am morally bankrupt
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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