someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
