My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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