how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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