Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
