My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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