I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
