Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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