i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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