I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
