I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
