i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
